Save Richmond Media Policy
(Revised Jan. 1, 1984)
Any comment or statement about, or mention of, Save Richmond or Save Richmond’s eyebrows must be cleared by the bloggers and/or by Julie, the Save Richmond cruise director. Below is the course of action to obtain approval to exercise free speech in cases involving Save Richmond, Save Richmond Industries and Save Richmond Amalgamated Inc.:
A) Calls from media regarding Save Richmond.
When you receive a call from reporters with questions or requests for information or interviews concerning Save Richmond, indicate that you are actually dead. Tell the nosy scum that your funeral was yesterday and that he missed a lovely service. If that doesn’t convince, ask the reporter for the list of questions in writing. In triplicate. And on pink paper with lots of cursive handwriting in gold glitter ink.
Actions:
1) When you receive the questions from the reporter, eat them. Proclaim the questions “yummy” and thank the reporter for stopping by.
2) If that fails to pacify, call Julie, our cruise director, at 555-2323 . If the cruise director is unavailable, call Janet the intern, at 555-9675. If neither are in the office, call security and have the person asking questions violently removed from the building. If none of those options can be exercised, swallow the little red pill that was provided to you during your last employee evaluation. Lie down and relax. It will all be over soon.
3) If the little red pill’s expiration date has expired, write down detailed information about the nature of the inquiry, including the name of the inquisitive publication, the perceived prejudices of the publication, the slightly outdated hairstyle of the interviewer, the “snippy tone” in which the interviewer’s questions were asked, and any anticipated points in future discussions when it might be to our advantage to just shoot the dude and dump his ass out back in the employee smoking area.
4) We will gather all of this information, put it in a deep hole, burn it and then bury the ashes.
5) The charred hole will heretofore be referred to only as “that secret place we never talk about.”
6) It is strictly forbidden to talk about “that secret place we never talk about.”
7) If you should find out that someone else at Save Richmond has been talking about “that secret place we never talk about,” please call Julie, our cruise director, and inform her. We ask you to please try and inform her without mentioning the actual… uh…
You know what? Forget you ever heard about “that secret place.” It was a bad idea to tell you about it. So never mind.
9) Questions about coverage will continue to be handled by our stockholders, with Save Richmond’s mothers-in-law always in the loop. Any requests to interview Save Richmond, Save Richmond’s mothers-in-law, or its bloggers on broadcast programs, should be greeted with the f0llowing sarcastic retort: “Why are you asking so many questions — what are you, a reporter or something?” Remember: Your hands should be on your hips petulantly and diabolical laughter should follow this statement.
10) If none of the above works, mention to the reporter that open disclosure within the media is a hoary liberal construct and accuse him of having a “liberal media bias.” That usually does it.
B) Calls from external and internal media regarding Save Richmond’s parent company, Save Richmond Industries.
Any calls should be referred to and cleared by “The Hammer”TM, Vice President of Save Richmond’s Synergetic Corporate Synergy Department and Pest Control, at 555-0128, Ext: 666.
If the interviewer’s questions will be read by analysts or investors, invite him to meet you on the 11th Floor of the Save Richmond building at 3PM so that you can reveal all. Of course, there is no 11th floor on the Save Richmond building — there’s only ten floors! Sucker!
Trade Press:
Questions about Save Richmond corporate issues, sensitive matters concerning the use of the Save Richmond Bathroom Hall Pass and/or the whole entire topic of ethics in journalism should be avoided. As you well know, we are very sensitive to “the third degree” here at Save Richmond and are prone to fits of uncontrollable sobbing when removed from our comfort zone. This is all the more reason for outside meddlers to stop harrassing with silly questions, pesky FOIA requests and so-called “hundreds of phone calls.”
This media policy is effective immediately. Nothing more to see here. Now let’s all get back to work asking probing and hard-hitting questions of others.